26 ago. 2009

Sexo con cocodrilos.

(publicado un poco tarde, porque ¡se me olvidó que era miércoles...!)

SEXO CON COCODRILOS.

Tener sexo con un cocodrilo tiene sus complicaciones.
Lo primero que hay que hacer es conseguir al cocodrilo, una monserga per sé, pues si viviéramos en la China meridional, donde se encuentra la mayor concentración de cocodrilos del mundo, otra cosa sería. Pero no para los que vivimos en el DF, donde las posibilidades de conseguir a un lagarto de buen tamaño, y que esté dispuesto a tener sexo con nosotros, pueden ser, digamos, molestas.

Pero supongamos que tenemos las conexiones adecuadas con las autoridades delegacionales o zootécnicas para que nos faciliten no sólo al respetable reptil, sino que además nos hagan el favor (remunerado) de llevarlo a casa (adentro de una pipa de agua del Ayuntamiento para no levantar la envidia de vecinos).

Antes de recibir a nuestro invitado conviene hacerse unas preguntas:
a-¿Debemos recibirlo ataviados con bata de seda, o ya desnudos?
b-¿Qué toma un cocodrilo para ponerse en ambiente pre-coito: whisky, ron, tequila...?
c-¿Son estos milenarios animales amigos de la música New Age, o prefieren el jazz para ponerse en ambiente "cachondo"?

Regla de oro: el jacuzzi queda prohibido.
Y no es por faltarle el respeto al fino anfibio, después de todo también es su elemento, pero sin duda el jacuzzi se puede prestar a malas interpretaciones (¡una de ellas es que nos trague completos!). El ambiente acuoso en este tipo de relación siempre será de doble filo.

Pasos a seguir para un coito saludable con el cocodrilo una vez estando en casa.
1.-Lo primero es que el cocodrilo se sienta cómodo. No olvidemos que detrás de esa apariencia serena y quieta siempre hay un chico de sensibilidad irritable, sobre todo cuando se encuentra en un entorno extraño. Por lo mismo abordarlo de manera grosera dará paso a que tenga un motivo más para desmembrarnos.
Lo mejor es atenderlo en el patio trasero o en la azotea, ámbitos con mucho más posibilidades de escape que la alcoba o el cuarto de los triques.

2.-No lo molestemos con preguntas exóticas, como por ejemplo si maneja alguna tarjeta de crédito o cuál es su bailarín favorito de Cha-cha-cha.

3.-Una vez que hayamos logrado la relajación del ambiente pre-coito entre el gran bicho y nosotros, se debe tratar de descubrir si estamos en la grata compañía de un cocodrilo o una cocodrila (jamás esperan a que el conductor de la pipa de agua se los diga). Y no es que a uno le importe si se trata de él o ella, sino se trata de una cortesía técnica de logística, sobre todo si se piensa a futuro en la posibilidad de hacer una orgía (cuestión de números).

4.-A la hora del enlace carnal salta una pregunta: ¿va el cocodrilo arriba o va abajo? Y en caso de sexo oral: ¿puede prescindir de los dientes o son indispensables para que el cocodrilo demuestre su virtuosismo en esta bella arte?

5.-Es importante tomar en cuenta, sobre todo para nuestra salud, que no hay cocodrilo que se respete que no se sienta incómodo con la afamada Posición de Perrito (Dogy Style). Y no por que se trate de una posición poco católica para ellos, ¡nada de eso! Simplemente su naturaleza siempre alerta les indica que lo embates traseros no están diseñados para el placer.

6.-Dictan los expertos que al final no hay que encender el afamado cigarrillo post-coito, pues el cocodrilo es un “Non-Smoker!” por excelencia.
Lo mejor es continuar la charla amena y a cierta distancia (veinte metros es lo recomendable), por lo menos hasta que llegue la pipa del Ayuntamiento a recogerlo.

5.-Las despedidas afectivas no son el fuerte de los cocodrilos (saludo de mano incluido). Por lo mismo hay que evitarlas.

Sin embargo la experiencia ¡vale la pena!

41 comentarios:

Lex Addictive dijo...

Excelente post!!! Solo me queda la duda de como evitar las lágrimas de cocodrilo.

Saludos

Amorexia. dijo...

simplemente ingenioso! un verdadero delirio... pero en todo caso si uno tiene su inclinación sexual definida no se vale escoger entre cocodrilo y cocodrila? No hay que llevarlo a cenar? la cosa es puro encuentro carnal?

jejejeje

Excelente.

Deshora.

NTQVCA dijo...

¿Habrá que preguntarle el nombre?

Igual a estas alturas en nuestra querida ciudad ya andan en las cloacas, como en la peli de New York.

Yo si me ando animando.

la MaLquEridA dijo...

Y si es cocodrila, qué? o sea llamamos al ayuntamiento para que se la lleve y nos traiga un cocodrilo,o ya de plano le entramos, pues total... qué tanto es tantito?.



No, creo que no me animo, no sea que pase lo que en Caborca.

Yo sólo digo como Cuco Sánchez: "¡DE HABER SABIDO NI NAZCO!". dijo...

¿Qué pasó en Caborca?

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